Sunday, 19 June 2016

My experience with Anxiety

I've had this blog for a while now, hell I had a blog on wordpress before I moved onto here, I've also had a youtube channel for years, but this has always been hard for me to talk about- well not hard as such, there are so many posts and videos about other peoples experiences with the topic, but quite often I start writing posts only to leave it and then delete it, or film videos that never get edited.


Obviously from the title you can tell what this is about.
I'm going to admit, when youtubers started coming forward with their experiences with anxiety I was that dick who thought "great is this the latest trend or bloggers and youtubers?" until I actually sat down and watched some of these videos and read the blog posts.
Unfortunately at that point a lot of people were coming out with similar videos and posts, honestly literally every beauty youtuber was doing the same Cheryl Cole look.
So yes I was a complete dick and I regretted it pretty much instantly.

As I mentioned at the beginning I seem to find it hard putting this into words- when really it shouldn't be, I suffer with anxiety, simple really?
Only it's not, especially when I have to explain it to other people, the fact that I hate taking phone calls unless I am prepared for them, the fact that I literally cannot do the tannoy at work- to which people have replied "it's easy, you just press that button and speak into the microphone like you would normally" but see the thing is- I KNOW that, I know how to do it, I'm not an imbecile, I just cannot bring myself to do it, in an old job I was actually forced to put out a tannoy, needless to say I didn't deal with that very well.

When I was at school I did help lead a discussion, which I was actually proud of myself for doing, I was so nervous, and believe me I probably fucked up a few times. But I think I only managed to just about get through that because I had actually rehearsed my speech numerous times- and I had other people there in case it all went tits up.

As we know anxiety comes in many forms, for me it's public speaking and large groups, meeting new people, travelling alone (which yes I do this often enough, but I have to make sure I am mentally and emotionally prepared for it- to be honest I mostly deal with this by having music on and a magazine to read so it distracts me)

A lot of people have tried to tell me that I don't look like I suffer with anxiety- sorry I wasn't aware that you had to have a certain "look", I would never have thought Zoe Sugg suffered with anxiety attacks either- she always seemed so bubbly and happy in her videos, yet she spoke out about it, oh and then you get people saying "how can you have anxiety when you have a youtube account" this one pisses me off so much, with videos you are talking to a camera- yes you are putting it online for people to see (and most likely judge) but at the end of the day, you make the choice of what you edit out of a video and what stays in, I'm not saying that people are fake in their videos, but if you fuck something up you can edit it out. Some youtubers have scripts for videos so they say what they need to say.

I do believe that talking online is a lot easier than talking to someone in person, I remember the first time I met Becca in person, holy fuck I was terrified, I almost didn't get on the coach, I'd had zero sleep I was convinced that something was going to go wrong- what if we didn't get on? what if she didn't meet me at the coach station like planned (funnily enough she was a little late to meet me, but only a few minutes) for the first few minutes things were a little stilted, luckily we are actually very alike - I know this doesn't always bode well for friendships, but for us I think it's why we get on so well (although luckily we don't have the same favourite in 5sos, she wouldn't be too happy if Ashton was my favourite and vice versa with Michael)

I deviated a little there sorry, I don't want to ramble on much more than I already have done, but if you suffer with Anxiety, don't suffer in silence, and don't let anyone tell you that you don't really suffer with it or have them question you.

People need to start speaking out about topics like this, no two cases of anxiety are the same.

If you have any ways to help cope with anxiety attacks then please do leave them in the comments down below,


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